Excuse me, are you a phantom?

I am hoping the motherhood juggernaut has not roll-moulded me into someone who loses herself and gets impossibly absorbed in the whole new world of parenting. You know, like the glitzy girlfriends you see on telly moaning incredulously over salad lunch about how a certain mommy-girlfriend disappears just because she had a new baby. Then again, even if I did turn into this said mommy-girlfriend persona, you won't see me apologizing or compensating for it. Why should I? The munchkins means the world to me.

A baby is hard work, no doubt, and consumes plenty of one's time. A regular day sees a sleep-starved me in a running-around-like-a-headless-chicken state of diaper-changing, feedings, cooking, more feedings, housekeeping, errand-running, mother-daughter bonding (read: mommy acting all comical, singing out of tune, anticipating and counteracting her often-baffling quirky mood swings, pacifying her frustrations, applauding her little achievements over-enthusiastically, laughing merrily when she plays cute and savouring tender moments together. You still there?). Thus when the little one flutter her eyes closed to meet the sandman, I very much prefer to rot on my couch and just spend some quiet time with me, myself and the man. So by choice, the social calendar is unfashionably bare of late and not because I can't afford the time. 

Maybe it is the age too. Intimate get-togethers where I can bask in easy conversations and familiar closeness definitely sound more appealing than making efforts to forge new friendships. The mere thought of it already rings tiresome to me. Since the friends here either have a young family or are in the process of starting one, their precedence is an obvious one. Thus, the social front is naturally less colourful than ever.

Incidentally, I am not sad that I am not out there to see and to be seen. Let's just say merrymaking hard for a long while before I went over to the west side does not bring forth the need to make up for lost societal time. My complacency is ridiculously hermit-like, so much so that the man joked if I have the opportunity at all to don those clothes and shoes I bought online. I merely shrugged in reply. One never knows when occasions arise where decent garbs are a prerequisite. Hence, handbags and glad rags must still be had for this social-less butterfly.

So if you have this nagging suspicion that you do not belong to the inner circle because you haven't heard a word from me for a while, for a very long while in fact, then your intuition is probably right. Muahahahaha....

Let's cook a pot of curry!

I don't quite take to the smell of burning charcoal wafting towards us whenever the next door neighbour barbecues on their balcony. Not that the odour gives me a headache or compromises my health in any way. I merely find it unpleasant. 

So do you think I should go to our Rathaus (town council) and lodge a complaint? To demand my neighbour not to barbecue and not to eat barbecued food whenever I am at home? Well, I am hardly out of the pad these days as I have the little munchkins to take care of. Okay, they can barbecue when we do our daily walks or grocery shopping.

I think the Rathaus is going to tell me to go fuck myself and fuck off to my country if I so wish. Because in this country, the law specifies that cooking is a social norm and everyone is allowed to cook at any time of the day and night. And cooking smells, even that of garlic, are not only normal but should be tolerated as well.

No wonder no one ever complains whenever I cook my curry. Or my stir fried veggies with garlic or my stinking sambal chilli...

Take a leaf out of the Germans' book, Singapore. Take a leaf.

A girlie prattle

This pink purse has been with me for the longest time. It is easily more than 10 years old. When I first clapped eyes on it at the Mooks store in Bali, I was quite taken with the bright fuchsia tone and made the purchase in a heartbeat. Just look at the worn and sorry state it is now. I wonder how it is that I keep buying clothes, shoes, bags, yet it has strangely never occurred to me to get a new purse or a wallet. Okay, I am not exactly a wallet girl just because with all that junks I so love to collect, the wallet would soon turn into a little fat, bulging thingamajig. That would be a most ugly sight to whip out from a bag!

The closest thing to a wallet which I truly need and pine for is a cardholder. But well, if you know me enough, you will discover that I am also a very lazy person. I just never get down to actually shop for one. Since a long time, I've relayed the intention to the Lion of buying a cardholder from her as I trust her expertise in this area. And the best thing is, that would spare me the hassle of looking high and low for that perfect cardholder. Haha! I am shameless like that! Alas, the Lion is a very busy human (aka forgetful), I didn't get to buy that cardholder from her. Yet. One should not give up hope so easily, right? I am still waiting very patiently. Heh.

Hell no! I am not hinting to anyone to get me one. I maybe shameless but not that shameless. I can still very well afford to buy a cardholder for myself. Thank you very much.

And then the roving Mammon eyes spy a whimsicality that is this.

The splash of colours would be so fun to pull out of the bag that it already brightens up my day just by feasting the eyes on it. Yes, I am enamored with this impish money bag already.

But. It would make me a tad uneasy if I do click the BUY button because the man is going to cry bloody murder! Sure, it is my own moolah and all and I surely do not need the man's go-ahead to shop. Still, as much as I hate to, I have to concede that I have crossed the shopping line way too far in recent months.

Then again, full leather at an alright price, the weak willpower has me somewhat swayed towards you-know-what. Plus I am incorrigibly NOT a Stella-McCartney vegan fashionista.

Well, if I do feel brave one of these days, I might just show the man the sad purse and suss out his thoughts on its wretched state.

Let's just hope he doesn't get to read this before I do all that. Lol!

Photo credit: here

Material girl

I am hanging my head in shame. I have been a bad bad girl lately. Rather than spending my limited free time wisely when the cherub naps, I got caught up with the greed demon, Mammon. All these newsletters bombarding my inbox, announcing their sale season has begun, successfully ignited the dormant desire to possess worldly gains.

Hitting the stores in Stuttgart hasn't been happening that frequently for a long while now. Which fully explains my latest preoccupation in the comfort of my couch: shopping online.

In contrast to traditional shopping, online shopping is way more addictive and for a few moments there, I panicked and wondered if I have turned into a compulsive online shopper. Let's just say spending every second of my spare time everyday browsing those online shops doesn't sound exactly sane.

In my vain and shallow attempt to be hip, trendy, be a fashionista or whatever you call it these days, it's not helping when the many loots arrived and I discovered I don't really need those items. How many brogues, dresses, skirts, sweaters, cardigans does one need actually? Not that I am that IT girl whose social calendar is filled to the brim thus a different getup everyday is a requisite. I am just an ordinary mortal so of course I don't need so many of these glad rags. My wardrobe is already bursting with you-know-what that the man quipped it's high time I do some spring cleaning. Mammon is obviously working its psychological urge of 'I want, I want, I want!' here.

But sadly for Mammon, I am ruled by Capricorn's ruling planet, Saturn. The strict composure and self-control of Saturn has got my good sense back. I am sending most stuff back except for one, two items. Talk about wasting time. Heh.

With arms wide open

Heard this old number at the hairdresser today. Listening carefully to the words gave me goosebumps all over. Very aptly, it conveys our exact sentiments of ardour, wonderment, fear and self-questioning.

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I close my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything

With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything ...oh yeah
With arms wide open..wide open

If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open...

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

I'll show you everything..oh yeah
With arms wide open....wide open

The day our lives changed

Friday night. Interview with The Vampire was on telly. I usually would stay away from any dubbed films because I find it weird watching or rather, listening to the strange German voice-over which somehow or rather is gonna bastardize the original sense of the film in some ways.

But it IS Interview with The Vampire. One of my fav films. Hence, despite the flinching and eye-rolling, I sat glued to the small screen. When Tom Cruise was back again and going on and on about giving Christian Slater the second chance he never had, I took my cue and got ready for bed, unaware that this particular night had something up its sleeves for me. For us.

Feeling wetness between my legs in the middle of the night, I woke up and hurried to the loo, embarrassed that I might have peed in my sleep. After a few checks, I wasn't so sure anymore. Did my water just break? Yes yes, I am talking about the impending arrival of our precious cherub. Ten months ago, to be exact.

I peeked at the watch. 4am. I woke the man.

The man: Huh?
Me: I think my water broke. (That seemed to drive away all the sleep from his eyes.)
The man: Are you sure?
Me: I dunno but I think we should go to the hospital just to be sure.

We made haste to freshen ourselves up, change, grab the bag and hop into the car. Despite the rush, we were both surprisingly calm. For a reason. We half expected to be told it's a false alarm and we'd be sent home in no time.

Of course we were wrong.

My water indeed broke but there were no contractions. That means no real action for the moment until the labour pain started. So we waited.

I was warded naturally in the delivery ward. Not such a great idea. Imagine the screaming, howling, moaning, shrieking of the other preggers in labour all coming at you while you tried to wait in peace and calm. Peace and calm, my ass! The stomach was in million knots, the hands clammy, the breathing short, the mind in turmoil: Would I be tough enough to go through what these women are going through? I was seriously SCARED.

The cherub however was in no hurry to make any appearance. But other babies seemed to have a different idea. The ward was filled up so quickly that day I had to be moved to the normal ward to play the waiting game. Phew, no more screaming to add to the already mounting anxiety.

We waited and waited. The poor man was so exhausted from lack of sleep. Yet he stayed by my side all the while (except for loo and ciggy breaks), not wanting to miss out anything.

By Saturday evening, the contractions still didn't wish to rear their heads. Back in the delivery ward, the doc decided to give me an injection to induce the labour. With bated breath, the contractions gradually began. The initial labour pain was tolerable as I was still able to walk along the corridor as advised by the midwife. With the help and support of the man, I walked with gritted teeth when waves of contractions came and went...

I had no idea how long the walk lasted and there I was, already lying on the bed in the room. With waves of excruciating labour pain hitting me over and over again and the intervals becoming shorter and shorter, I lost awareness of the comings and goings around me. The man tried to make the pain bearable by massaging me. I pushed his hands away. I just needed to hold on to him and clawed at him while in pain. He, meanwhile was beside himself for not able to be of help to me in any way. But like I reassured him afterwards, his presence and moral support was more than enough for me.

I was kicking myself for not saying yes when the midwife asked earlier if I needed epidural. It didn't hurt that bad then. Her timing was way off lah! Why couldn't she ask me like much later and I would have immediately said yes. I wanna punch her! Oh yes, you wanna punch everybody when you were in my shoes. Silently, I kept asking myself (no more strength left to even talk!) how long more will this be? I can't take it anymore. Just give me a shot or just KILL me and put me out of this misery right now!!! I don't wanna give birth anymore! Ow ow ow x infinity!

I moaned, screamed, cried, howled, shrieked like I never did before in my whole life!

Finally I was led into the delivery theater. Now the pushing began. The labour pain had in fact zapped out every ounce of energy in you and yet you were still expected to use whatever trace of strength left in your body to push, push and PUSH! Apart from the breathing method, it is not unlike taking a dump. You just had to push harder. A lot, a lot, A LOT harder than even when you were constipated. At some point, I thought the blood vessels in my brain were going to explode any second from all the pushing and screaming. And with no more intervals now, the radiating pain kept coming and coming and coming...

In the midst of it all, I vaguely heard the midwife saying to the doc, 'A little tight, isn't it?' The next thing I knew was the doc making a cut at my down-there. In case you are wondering, the cut was nothing at all compared to the labour pain. In a heartbeat, a warm gush slipped out between my legs. All the din in my head ceased. The contractions stopped. Followed by a silence. I was a tad bewildered and looked around me. The wailing ensued soon after. That's when I realized that warm gush was my little one. I have given birth to my daughter.

I always thought I would cry when they hand me my baby. I didn't surprisingly. When I first held her, I thought (still think) she's the most beautiful thing in the world. She enchanted me, us. We couldn't take our eyes off her.

A total of 9 hours of labour pain and now we are a family of three. A mommy friend once said, all the pain is worth it once you hold your baby in your arms. How true.

The cherub is quite simply our pride and joy. The warm rush of love we have for her is never-ending. We will never trade her for anything else in the world. We are very happy to have her in our life and will do anything for her.

She is our gem.

An apple a day

Woohoo! I finally got hold of the new iPad 2 many days back after the long wait. And I must say I absolutely heart the gadget! It is sleek and sexy. It is incredibly light and fast. The graphics are superb. Watching movies is a pure joy. It feels great just holding it in my hands. And of course I can use it as and when I like without having to wait forever for the slow start up like my lousy lappie.

I am a very happy peep.

Which also means I have been spending most of my free time playing with the toy. Books are left forgotten. Blog is not updated. The sleep becomes even more deprived. (I am really not complaining!) Online shopping has never been easier (and faster). And the man for the time being plays second riddle to the widget. Hahaha... Not that he is complaining lah. It is a gift from him after all. I think we both regard this latest tablet as my necessary evil. An irresistible necessary evil. Heh.

Fret not however, the cherub still remains the precedence over all things.

Blocked

Our cherub has been keeping us pretty busy all this while. After sort of settling down into a routine and I have somewhat a handle on my new role as a mummy, at long last I am able to breathe a little. And also find some pockets of time to properly sit down and blog.

But to my dismay, I quickly see that it is quite an effort now to gather those runaway thoughts and make up the mind on what I want to write about after such a long laspe. Needless to say, the writing skills have become rusty too.

Do give me time to chase after those thoughts and oil the squeaky mind gears.

On a different note, it's our wood anniversary today! How time flies by us so quickly! Amazing...

Back

Wish I could write like this. Reading the article fires up my desire to write again amidst the busy baby schedule. However, at the same time, it dawns on me yet again that it's either I have it or I don't.

And I have to admit I don't. The innate talent and aptitude for creative flowing writing.

Still the realization doesn't seem to somehow dampen my enthusiasm one bit. That's good news!

Anyways, it's good to be back.

The joy of being preggers

The insufferable smothering heat has its fingers wrapped around my throat, making the mere act of breathing in this suffocating heat a feat. Being out of the pad is quite unthinkable now.

After the haircut last Friday, the short walk in the torrid sun to meet the man at the Chinese restaurant proved to be too gruelling. Finally seated, my body was palpitating wildly. I felt faint and sick. I couldn't even finish a quarter of the food we ordered and had to leave in a haste after packing the food.

The little ordeal worn me out completely and I took a much needed nap. Thankfully that left me revitalized afterwards!

Few days later while preparing dinner, I suddenly broke out into cold sweat and was feeling faint. I scrambled for a chair to sit down, but this time not without the new bestie who is never out of my sight now. Namely, the fan. The cool cool breeze luckily brought sweet relief. And the blood sugar level was restored after the dinner and some shut-eye.

I had to find out what's wrong with me! A quick research on the net concludes that such symptoms are due to overheating and are not uncommon during pregnancy. Phew...

No wonder lah! Even sleep eludes me these days. The term good night's sleep is now as alien to me as the extraterrestrial. The killer summer heat is not the only culprit though. Heartburn, gastric pain, frequent loo visits, body itchiness, false contractions gladly play the accomplice's role too. Some nights, even the leg cramps turn up unexpectedly to join in the fun.

Now in the 38 weeks and 19kg heavier, the huge bump really does get in the way. Even simple acts which we usually take for granted such as bending or squatting down to pick a thing up is now too strenuous and often leave me breathless.

Still, I find these minor inconveniences and common pregnancy ailments rather bearable. The air-con-idolizing Singaporean in me however is incapable of tolerating the hot spell. The essential but welcoming cold shower at least twice a day to cleanse away the dull lethargy has become inevitable.

Thus I am curious how long I am gonna last when the traditional Chinese one-month house arrest beckons.