The Yule Tree

My first christmas tree.
My first real christmas tree.
My first real white christmas tree.

The tree, with its foliage scent, has no doubt upped the festive mood at home a few notches higher. Lights out, except for the lights on the tree, I finally understand the true significance of silent night and even appreciate the peacefulness. A complete dissimilar kind of mood from the one in Singapore. What a difference a tree can make. I love it.

Have a merry one

WTF?!

It's official. I suffer from the winter blues. I had it the same time last year but I put it down as homesickness: missing my friends, missing the festive mood in Singapore etc. Now the blues hit me again! WTF??!! No wonder the suicide rate goes up at this time of every year. It fucking sucks, having no control over my emotions. Mr R can testify to that. At the moment I am the biggest bitch he has ever met on this earth.

Some say it is all in your head, think positive and you will feel better. I say, fuck you. Easier said than done. I tried and it didn't work. So leave me alone.

Then there are some who say, it is Christmas. It is the season of giving. Be nice. I say, what has it got to do with you? Who wants to be nice anyways? Nice is boooooooooring. I will be nasty and mean for all I want. At least I didn't kill your cat or eat your dog. My middle name is 'Difficult Bitch'. Didn't you know?

Come some smart alec who say don't use such coarse language on your blog. It is not necessary. I say, whatever I write on my bloody blog is none of your bloody business. Nobody asked you to be here in the first place. Don't like what you read? Just too bad. GO AWAY.

Are those people on top of the bloody induced-hibernation project?

Keep jammin!

Some so-called DJs can't even work on a turntable. These kids are rocking good.

Revelation from palm-reading

Many years ago someone read my palm and revealed that I do not have a career line. Great, just what I wanted to hear, especially at a time when I was dreaming of climbing the corporate ladder. Yes, I can be quite ambitious even in my unassuming way. In any case, I dismissed that revelation and chose to believe 'my fate is in my own hands'. Subsequently, my palm was read numerous times by some friends or acquaintances. And the verdict is always the same: I have no career line. Though I tried very hard to ignore it, at times I have to admit the revelation does ring some truth in it. Just look at the journey of my career.

The longest I have stayed on in a job was in an insurance company. I spent 5 years there. Thereafter, I landed 2 jobs which I loved but didn't last too long unfortunately. I got axed from one during the SARS episode and the company was downsizing due to the bad economy then. However I have this nagging thought at the back of my head that that might not be the whole truth. Let's just say I didn't see eye to eye with my ex-boss then. The second company I worked for was sold to a private businessman and hence there was a huge shake-up in the whole of Southeast Asia. I wasn't spared from it. Prior to this particular job, I applied for another position in the same company. I didn't get it. And when they had another job opening again, I didn't give up, applied for it and was finally hired. After my retrenchment a kind ex-colleague called up one day that there was a vacancy in the sales department and that I should give it a shot. After some convincing, I went for it even though it wasn't my cup of coffee. And amazingly, I got the job. My first day back in the company, a colleague came up to me and teased, 'We just can't get rid of you, can we?' I was stunned. I didn't know how to respond to that comment. I gave him a weak smile. He didn't mean it in a bad way, I am sure of that. But I was plagued by that remark. I couldn't help dwelling on it afterwards: am I too persistent or, in other words, too thick-skinned? That was the last I saw of him after I left the company. Again.

Not a very remarkable CV there but certainly a colourful one, I must say.

Now here I am, recovered from last week's disappointment and wondering if I am indeed shackled to the prophecy of not possessing a career or if I will be freed from these chains and be able to determine my own destiny through my sheer persistence or thick-skinnedness.

You never give up, do you? - The Way We Were

Being chewed up and spat out by the rat race

I am a panda bear. Sleepless nights and dark circles under my eyes all due to a job which I have applied for. A company was looking for a team assistant who can speak Mandarin and English and to co-ordinate production in China. I seemed to fit the bill. From the day I sent my resume till the day I got to know if I was choosen, the whole job applying process took almost 6 weeks. A whole 6 Weeks!!! My goodness! And I thought the germans are well-known for their efficiency. Well, apparently not on this aspect.

Two weeks after my resume was emailed out, no sound, no nothing from the company. Impatient me, therefore, emailed them again if they have indeed recieved my application. Again, silence for another week. I gave up. They must have found someone. The very next evening, while I was deep frying my shrimp paste chicken wings (with deep fryer now, therefore sans splattering oil), the company called to arrange for an interview in a week's time. My hands were shaking so badly after I hung up the phone. Mr R had to carry on frying those wings instead. My very first job interview in german!!!! What if I screwed it up because my german is not as good as they expected?? What should I say during the interview??? What should I wear? For a long time that evening, I couldn't calm myself down..

I chose not to shout to the world about it because I didn't want to jinx it and what if I didn't get the job. That would be awkward.

One day before the interview, though I slept badly, I was surprisingly sedate. However, it was an entirely different picture during the interview the next day. I was a total nervous wreck. Everyone could hear it from my trembling voice. My german was a mess. All grammars and vocabs forgotten. Rehearsed lines went out of the window. My teacher would certainly cringe in shame listening to me. Nevertheless, the interviewers (all 3 of them) were friendly and tried to put me at ease. After almost 1 hour of accessing me, I was told to wait for their decision. The rest of the day went by with me feeling tensed.

My tension didn't ease up in the following days. The endless waiting is torturous: waiting for that phone call (which would be a good sign), or that email or letter (a bad sign). I was as uptight as a stretched catapult. I couldn't get myself to focus on doing anything else. I didn't really cook, I put off writing assignments given by my teacher, I put off blogging, I had no desire to msn or talk to friends. And all because of one bloody job!!! And the worst part is I let myself get swallowed underneath it all. I hate it when I have no control over things. I am such a control freak, you see. At times, I sadistically wished for a negative answer so as to put an end to all this tiresome and unnecessary waiting.

I saw their email in my inbox today. Bad sign. A fleeting moment of denial made me hesitate for a few seconds before opening the email. And yes, they have decided on someone else. Now I am trying to grapple with the bitter disappointment while consoling myself: it was afterall my first interview in Germany and I seriously couldn't expect too much from it. It would be quite a miracle if I got the job, considering how I screwed it up. Anyhow, I can continue to be my old bumming-self and not have to wake up for work when the sky is still dark. Friends envy me for that. At least that thought brings a small smile to my face.

There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere.
- Jane Austen