On growing older

When I am asked about my age these days, I no longer have the luxury to reply, ' I am 18!' in a heartbeat and bask in the envy written all over the face of the enquirer. Those days are long gone. However instead of letting the reality bite, my self-denial developed a loss of memory whenever such sensitive issue is brought up. It would usually take 30 seconds or more while I deliberately take my time adding up the years of my life before a response is given. This strategy has been working well so far until my conversation with The Bestie recently:

Bestie: I am turning 38 this year!
Hoonie: Ya, I know lah...
Bestie: And you?! You are turning 37!
Hoonie: *face cramp*

The Bestie's revealing literally blew up in my face just like that. Till then, I have never really registered the real number of my age. I usually brushed it off as 30 something.

My immediate inward reaction to her 'You are turning 37' was, 'Fuck, I am old.'

And truth be told, slivers of fear creeped up my spine just then. I panicked for a moment. But luckily the fear and panic subsided as soon as they appeared. Though I cannot explain the logic of it all.... Was it vanity at work there? Or the fear of growing old? Without a doubt.

As much as I would like to embrace my big Four O like I did my 30, it feels somehow different. Now I fully comprehend why women book themselves into beauty clinics. I seriously do not blame them. I would probably follow suit if I had that kind of dough. I am certainly not the grow-old-gracefully aka Robert Redford / Zhu An sort. Though I wouldn't resort to drastic measures lah.

I may not have great success stories to tell about the 37 years of my life. But I have gone through a few things which I believe have made me stronger and wiser. The privilege of being in the late 30s is I do not see the need to please everyone. If I do not like your guts, I can walk away anytime. I do not care if you like my face or what you think of me. What matters is the friends love me. Making new friends are harder now because I have become more selective. Not everyone can be my friends, you know.

At work, unless I made a mistake, please do not come telling me what to do because I know exactly what I am doing and am probably doing it way better than most. Therefore, I do not take shite unnecessarily and make sure everyone knows that.

There. An unhealthy overdose of self-confidence, ego and take-no-shite attitude. Qualities to embrace when you reach your late 30s.

Welcome to the jungle.