Lamenting

I was lamenting to friends it takes far too long for editors to reply these days and a brief discussion ensued if sharing my writings on social media wouldn't be more effective and faster. I am all for sharing good stuffs. Other people's good stuffs, that is. As the friend puts it, 'You are a young writer with an old soul.' I can't agree more. I am a young writer who is still in search of her own voice and style. I have a lot to learn and like a grandstander, I crave for applause, not from friends who are often too kind to criticise, but from experienced writers who possess the expertise to cast my lesser writings to the bin and said no to the face of my email. Mostly, I starve for criticism to improve and be better. I do not want to swim in my little well and fantasize that I am good enough because I know I am not. I discover however a rejection is also a form of criticism. A wordless silent kind of criticism. A recent rejection is living proof of that theory. It doesn't feel good to be rejected of course but at least it spurned me on to work harder in order to gain the acknowledgment I yearn. This is the path I have chosen and no matter how rough and long the path may be, I cannot turn back or it would be a sort of betrayal and lie to myself and my family.

But why do I need someone else's stamp of approval on my works? If the simple act of writing sometimes brings tears to my eyes and a shudder down my spine, isn't that good enough for me? Yes and no. Yes because I am grateful beyond words that I find joy while writing. It really does feel like an inner calling, nevermind the cliche (ok, it makes me flinch a little writing that) And no because maybe I feel people-pleasing is the way to go in this attention-seeking world and I am part of this superficial age and it simply feels good to be acknowledged. Apologies, I just can't help being contradicting.

Still I refuse to believe Bukowski's

'if you have to sit there and

rewrite it again and again,

don’t do it.'

even though I love his raw honest writings to bits.