Pep talk to myself

The head was groggy from the nap and I was busy wiping the sleep from my eyes when the electrifying rejection jumped at me, stupefying me into a brief wide-awakeness which immediately dissipated once I've registered the blow. I slumped. For a while, I couldn't seem to shake the cobwebs off my head.

His exact words were, 'The premise here doesn't reel me in enough.' As much as it's his kindest rejection so far, it still feels like a punch in the face and deflates the ever shrinking ego. Not that it's unexpected. In fact, I'm rather spot on that I would receive a reply today and it's most probably going to be a no. The silver lining is he has at least read the whole piece from start to end and thankfully it no longer belongs to the this-is-not-a-good-fit category. I like to think it's a positive far cry from my very first crap piece which I suspect the editor didn't even bother to finish reading after the first sentences and of course it wasn't a good fit, as he called it.

Ok, I am groping wildly for a lifeline, however fragile it may be, to keep the pride afloat in this rough and challenging waters. Lately, I cant help but imagine the editors wondering perplexingly to themselves, 'Who the hell is this unknown who incessantly spams my inbox with her less-than average submissions?' They, friends included, may think I have, for want of a better word, overestimated my own abilities (不自量力). And they could be right. Like you, I am just a mere mortal who suffers from emotional insecurities every now and then and who cares immensely about how other people perceive me.

While these emotions are very real and I will not try to repress them and pretend they do not exist, it is also vital that I do not hand them any chance to shackle my feet and to prevent my recovery from the smallest defeat and from moving forward with my dreams.

No, I will not give up.